THE INCREDIBLE SADNESS OF BEING

It's dark and the night breeze rustles the tall conifers.  Ahead of me, at the end of the long driveway is our house.  The whole place is lit up and the curtains aren't drawn.

 It's a comforting sight, like a beam of hope in the slightly ominous, uneasy darkness that I find myself in.

 I can see my husband, Adolf, moving around in the kitchen.  He's wearing a blue and white striped butcher's apron and has his favorite scarred wooden spoon in his hand.

 I hope he's cooking stew and dumplings.  He's a great cook and I love Czech food.

 I tap lightly on the window as he takes the lid off the pot and carefully stirs its contents.  He doesn't hear me.

 I rap a little louder.  I can hear music filtering through the closed windows and I watch as he tastes the food and throws in a pinch of salt.

 I knock louder.  Why can't he hear me? 

 Someone calls to him from another room. 

 "I'm coming, mon cheri," he replies.

 Who's in my house?  And why am I outside at this time of night?

 I run around the house, peering in each window and eventually I find him in our bedroom, embracing a woman.  He throws his head back and laughs loudly. 

 I bang furiously on the window, but they don't hear me.  I run to the front door.  It's locked.  So is the back door.

 I start to panic.  I run to the study window as I usually leave this window open so that Bimbo, our miniature schnauzer can go and pee.

 The window is locked tight.  I see Adolf and the woman walk down the hallway, hand in hand, and enter the kitchen.

 I run back to the kitchen window - the woman is sitting on my favorite bar stool while Adolf pours her a glass of my favorite wine.

 I feel as though I'm living in a nightmare. 

 Bimbo wanders into the kitchen and she bends over to pat him fondly.  He wags his tail ecstatically and licks her hand.  I call out to him, but he too doesn't hear me and then I realize the truth.  I'm dead, no one can hear me.

 My head makes popping sounds, flashing lights scream in front of my eyes and I know I'm falling into an abyss of insanity.

 "Nooooo!" I scream in anguish and fall into the blackness…..

 I wake up.  I'm alone in our bed, Bimbo curled up at my feet. 

 Another day to get through with the reality that Adolf is dead and I'm here in the house, alone. 

 My life is the nightmare and my dream is but a dream.