Our reputation as timeshare salespeople is awesome. No wonder most decent folks run and hide from us, gathering their young 'uns into their protective embrace. We are, after all, callous bloodsuckers whose parents never got married and most of us probably were spawned by the devil. Certainly we are uneducated and have no idea how much fun it is to spend the night in a motel mere steps away from the railway tracks. That's a great playground. There's always a supermarket nearby, and of course the kids can swim in the pool overlooking the highway and count the trucks and cars driving by. Also, there's usually a mini fridge snugly fitted between the two single beds to store mom and dad's beer. The fun part of the vacation is finding everyone a section of the bed to sleep in and not letting any strands of melted cheese trickle off the take-out pizzas and slither onto the bed. Twenty-four hour entertainment, indeed.
What type of person takes these tours offered by timeshare resorts? Here are some statistics.
Generally, one out of ten people will buy timeshare. So, who are the other nine?
Five of those nine probably need the small gift we give them in return for their time. They need a room for the night and a hot bath as their income can't afford them a night away from home. Not a profitable scenario for us, but God bless 'em, it's a harmless enough pastime, even if they lied to get in the front door.
Two of the ten are professional moochers who don't need the gift. They want it because it's free. Free is good, right? Still harmless, but beginning to irritate and annoy.
Numbers nine and ten require a special mention.
These are the ones who will degrade themselves for a free gift. They range from professionals to blue collar workers, fathers, grandmothers, veterans, and even those who studied for years to redeem our souls.
They come prepared with sob stories and reasons why they can't buy even though they love it, and if circumstances were different they would.
As timeshare sales professionals we will try and treat you all with respect and understanding.
We are cordial, polite, interested in your life story and of course, we want to make a sale, just like the doctor wants his fee and the pastor passes around the hat after he's sold the congregation on the benefits of being truthful and kind to each other. Yes, we want to make money, but we also are interested in upgrading your leisure time, believe it or not. Most of us own timeshare and we travel to beautiful places and stay in grand resorts. Our vacations are splendid and we want to pass on some of that splendor to others.
Please don't look down on us as if we are lowlife drug dealers endeavoring to entice you and yours into a life of drugs and depravity. Anyway, you probably meet more drug lords in one vacation than we will in our lifetimes. Drug busts often go down in or near seedy motels near railway lines across the road from supermarkets selling beer and pizzas. At least, that's what I see on TV, so I'm not really missing out on the excitement you folks usually experience first hand.
A lot of us are very well educated, well travelled and have a lot of money. Many of us don't even need timeshare as we can afford to stay in five-star hotels. We own timeshare because we're smart. We own timeshare because ownership lets us spend our money on other things - like first class air tickets, dinners in world-renowned restaurants, front row seats at shows and last, but not least, growing our money.
We travel in five star accommodation with fully-equipped kitchens… did you say you don't cook on vacation? Well, neither do I most of the time, but I like having the option. If we have leftover pizza (which we eat at the table, by the way, with a chair for each of us) we can warm up the leftovers the next day in the oven. The only thing we miss is the game you guys play when you search for that errant strand of cold cheese hiding somewhere in your single bed. Oh, well,….
I know, I know, you only pay $70 for the night... for the five of you ….two beds, one frosted-up fridge, perhaps a few four legged friends sharing your bed, and one bathroom. Bargain, right?
Let's see- I pay $23 a night. What do I get for that? I get two bedrooms, two bathrooms, fully equipped kitchen, lots of towels (because that's another sport I don't play - 'find the last dry spot on the tatty towel'). What else… oh, yes, I get TV's in all the bedrooms as well as in the living area, a Jacuzzi in the bathroom, a balcony overlooking the ocean or the mountains, drool-free pillows, freshly laundered bedding. I guess the only things missing in my timeshare condo are the anonymous hairs lingering in the corners of the linoleum flooring and the cracks in the stained bath. What lurks in those cracks? Blood? Gore? Spit? Dirt? Well, I'm not that curious, so don't tell me, please.
You sometimes get a free breakfast? Really? I don't want to burst your bubble, so I'll leave that one alone, but think about it for a moment.
Let's get back to that pesky tour you have to take to earn your gift.
We will offer you something to eat and drink, and judging by how many bagels and cookies you take, I don't think breakfast was too sustaining at your motel.
A common trait among timeshare tours seems to be the lack of memory. When we ask you what you receive for coming to visit with us, a great percentage of you don't remember. All you remember is that we forced you to take the tour. And? … Oh yes, we gave you a free cruise, plus a dinner voucher… and a free night in our resort.
It seems that being in our presence sometimes afflicts you with temporary selective memory loss, which is usually a rare side effect of a serious head injury, but seems to be happening more and more in the timeshare world. Is it time for science to turn their attention to this growing trend? Silly me, I always thought that you were too embarrassed to tell us that you have a price, and we met that price by giving you a couple of freebies.
Another interesting thing. When you are with a timeshare person, it's okay to lie to us, but you get very offended if we catch you lying to us.
When you tell me that you never go on vacation, you're lying
Or ..you don't have any money - that's a lie.
Or ..the resort is below your standards - now that's plain funny.
Face it, folks, you are lying. You're on vacation, spending your cash and staying either in a motel down the road, or somewhere nicer on our dime.
Once in a while some of you will come up with a novel excuse and I appreciate that. However, don't use the excuse that you are dying of cancer or some other horrific disease if you aren't. I object to that and I will call you on it, and you won't like what I have to say to you. Don't get offended or huffy or tell me I don't have the right. Even if only 50% of you use this terrible excuse and swear it's the truth, then medical science needs to turn its collective efforts to studying the effects of timeshare on people. Are timeshare presentations contagious, and is the contagion lurking in sales offices? Could the cure have been there all this time?
What makes you endure 90 minutes with us if you don't have any interest in changing your lifestyle? Time really isn't money, you know.
Time is time and once it's gone, it's gone.
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