Headline in Sunday’s national newspaper –
“The terrible heat being experienced across the globe is causing serious concern regarding the future of farming.”
A farmer, interviewed on his farm, commented that he had not felt such intense heat since the year outdoor animals had fallen victim to the heat wave and perished – leaving humans to find an alternative protein source.
(This protein source was achieved by a few enterprising people, who corralled a thousand men and women and put them out to pasture on selected farms with the sole purpose of breeding meat which they named ‘pasture humans’.)
Another interviewee said that if the heat wave continued, it could spell disaster for the economy and the extinction of pasture humans could become reality.
The author of this forward-thinking article, Simon Perry, hoped his article would help future generations understand the reason why pasture humans could disappear in the very same way animals had years before; and blames the extinction of all animal species on global warming.
He predicted that in the future, the world would be populated by vegetarians eating off the diminished bounty of Mother Earth – drought and heat-resistant shrubs growing in the wild. Farming as we knew it will be a thing of the past.
On a culinary note, he discussed how pasture humans are prepped to obtain the optimal results from the different cuts.
“The most gastronomically desired cut of pasture human is the butt meat which has good consistency and can be baked, fried, broiled or simply eaten raw as Carpaccio.
An important feature of the butt cut is that it retains its liquids even when cooked. This is believed to be due to the amount of natural fat (cellulite) that marbles this particular cut of meat. The fat remains in its individual pocket or “dimple” and has a rich, creamy texture when bitten into. It requires very little embellishment – a stalk of fresh parsley artistically placed in the natural crevice that occurs at the centre of the meat would be pleasing to the eye and to the palate.
Feet and hands can be cooked like chicken wings; deep fried and drenched in spicy barbecue sauce. These are called “walkie talkies” and are available either as fast food or in the frozen foods aisle at your local grocery store.
Human ribs are cooked very simply, usually on the grill using a spicy dry rub. Unlike beef and pig ribs, these have very little meat on them and taste sublime if cooked a little on the rare side.
Offal – including heart, lung, kidney, bladder, etc. is, according to the health department, very helpful in the treatment of certain ailments. There’s no tasty way of cooking them, so blend them in a blender and drink it. Eight ounces a day gives you the full benefits of offal.
Thigh meat should be cooked like the Sunday roast of yesteryear; prick with a sharp knife every few centimeters, and insert a fresh clove of garlic into the gashes. Rub with salt and pepper and braise until the juices run clear. FYI - Female human thighs are less sinewy than their male counterparts, but have more fat deposits which seem to interfere with the even cooking of the thigh. Using Chef Emeril’s dry rub brings out the flavors and helps mask the slightly unpleasant after-taste.
The neck is usually cut into thick slices, seasoned with salt and pepper, breaded with Italian-style ground bone meal and pan fried. Garlicky mashed potatoes are a perfect accompaniment to these neck schnitzels.
Human brain is inedible and scientists believe the reason for this is the type of activity that took place within it. But not enough research has been done to prove what causes the human brain to release a pungent black inky substance when cut into.
Belly, more commonly known as pasture pork, is the tenderest of all the cuts, due, in part, to the multitude of little fat pockets covering the entire perimeter. Its dimply texture resembles the skin of a navel orange, and it needs only the slightest hint of aromatics to bring out the flavors of this often forgotten cut of meat.
Arms make perfect jerky. The process is lengthy, due to the multitude of hair follicles that require individual plucking out before the curing and drying process can begin. (See directions on duck plucking in your history book).
Breasts can only be used as cooking fat. Melt in a heavy-bottomed pan and then leave to cool. Store in glass containers in the refrigerator.
Genitals are chopped and mixed with oats and potash and fed to the human herd.
Although the head is inedible, it’s versatile and can be used either as a football - or if you are a handyman – cut off the top section, fill with a good quality soil and use as an herb container.”
Bon appétit.
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Written tongue in cheek after having heard on the radio that the farms in Texas are struggling with the heat and the drought.
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